Anxiety: - A feeling of worry, unease, nervousness, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.
- Desire to do something, typically accompanied with unease.
- A nervous disorder characterized by a state of excessive uneasiness and apprehension, typically with compulsive behavior or panic attacks.
I have always had a hint of timidity in me, but anxiety is a new one for me. As I approach my senior year at college I begin to feel some unease. I said in an earlier post that I did not like the common question "Where do you see yourself in 2-5 years Vince?" In all honesty I despise that question. I only get to see myself in a mirror in the present time. Okay I got the cynic out of me. No, but seriously I have some ideas as to what I may be doing and where I might be geographically but does that really matter that far down the road? Let me take this past year of my life as an example for you.
One year of my life in review (bullet point style).
- August 2010 travel to Israel.
- September 2010 begin study and life in Israel.
- October 2010 begin to find a belonging of sorts in Israel.
- November 2010 actually feel at home in Jerusalem and make true friends.
- December 2010 fly back to the US. (Ambivalence)
- January 2011 reacquaint myself with Calvin (did not expect this).
- February 2011 begin the busiest most fulfilling semester at Calvin.
- March 2011 commit to coming to Boston for an internship I know little about.
- April 2011 knuckle down on grades and grow in relationships.
- May 2011 conclude semester and come home for a short period of time.
- June 2011 reacquaint myself with people back home. See friends from Calvin at Meulinks' wedding. Go to Boston.
- July 2011 figure out this whole internship thing and make more true friends. Grow in leaps and bounds in my walk with the Lord.
- Early August 2011 try and look too far forward without looking back at the ways God has provided. that is up until now.
Even for a history major it is easy for one to overlook where they have been. The reason I do not like the question "Where do you see yourself?' is because I'd rather talk about where I've been. I can tell you that Israel was nothing like what I thought it would have been. I thank God for that. I can tell you that the relationships I have at Calvin are not what I thought they'd be when I came back in December. I thank God for that. I can tell you that my internship has been more than I could have asked for out of this small church. I thank God for that. So yes to a point I am unsure of where I might be, but only because experience has taught me that expectations are always superseded by the provision of God's grace. I do not know what relationships, work, trials, and joys God has in store for me. Even tomorrow will be more than I expect. I am in over my head as it is. Today I am giving a test to my ESL class. I have never written a test. Today I have prayers to pray, scriptures to read, challenges to meet, and relationships to build. In other words God is the architect and construction worker who is building me. I only get to guess as to what my floor plan, exterior design, and landscaping might end up looking like. My job is to stand ready. I am to keep my eyes open and ears in tune with the whispers of God. I am called to live a life in the present, because the future is not guaranteed and the past is gone in an instant.
Writing is therapy for my mind. Thanks for reading.
Blessings
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